The Detailed Description (a skit)

Characters: Police Officer, Robbery Victim

Setting: the street of a very liberal town

[Scene opens with a distraught man waiting outside a coffee shop. He’s been robbed and the police are en route}

{Police officer arrives, scans area visually, and approaches victim}

Robbery Victim (relieved): Officer, thanks for coming so quickly! I’ve been robbed at knifepoint!

Officer: Did you get a good look at the suspect?

Victim: Yes.

Officer: Good, give me a detailed description.

Victim: OK, um, well, a tall Hispanic…

Officer: Oh, wait. You can’t say that part.

Victim: Can’t say what part?

Officer: You can’t say that the suspect is Hispanic. It’s offensive and racist.

Victim (bemused): Oh. Um. OK. So… it was a young male…

Officer: Oh hold up now, you can’t assume the suspect’s gender.

Victim: What???

Officer: Yeah. You have no way of knowing what gender the suspect identifies with, and you can’t just assign one.

Victim: Uh.

Officer: But go on…

Victim: Well, he, I mean, the suspect was wearing a baggy blue sweatshirt and his, I mean it’s, um, well, the suspect’s pants were around his- the suspect’s knees.

Officer: Well, let’s leave that off, too. Maybe the suspect is economically challenged. That’s certainly no crime. Anything else?

Victim: (shocked silence)

Officer: Any visible tattoos?

Victim: Yes! He, uh, it, uh, had a gang tattoo. On the face.

Officer: How do you know that?

Victim: How do I know what?

Officer: That it was a gang tattoo?

Victim: I’ve seen them on TV.

Officer: Well, a tattoo doesn’t always mean anything. You shouldn’t assume someone is in a gang or is a criminal based on a tattoo.

Victim: He robbed me with a knife! He IS a criminal!!!

Officer: There you go again! Assigning a specific gender! What kind of person are you?

Victim: I’m the victim of the crime!!!

Officer: I’m starting to think you asked for it.

Victim: WHAT???

Officer: You’re obviously a bigot.

Victim: Arrrgghh!!! No, I’m not!

Officer: Yeah, you are. You provoked someone and now you’re whining about the consequences of your hatred.

Victim: (speechless)

Officer: We’re done here. Have a good day.