Dwarf Tossing

A non-fiction legal humor

Florida is a beautiful state with all the sand and sunshine you could ask for, and sometimes more than you want. It’s a great place to live and visit. If you have an odd sense of fun, however, you may want to ready the legal fees.

In the hit movie “Wolf of Wall Street”, Leo throws a little person at a Velcro target for sport. In the Sunshine state, it is illegal to for owners of commercial establishments that sell alcohol to allow dwarf-tossing contests (they can suffer fines of up to $100). This begs a few questions.

One set of questions would be is it legal to have a dwarf-throwing contest where no alcohol is sold? What are the criteria for it being considered a contest? If there are no prizes, can it be done legally?

Another set of questions may be, if the person is just really short, can you have the contest in this type of establishment? What defines a dwarf? Is it even politically correct to call the person a dwarf even under the guise of protection from exploitation during drunken mayhem? If the person is mistaken for a dwarf, but is just really short, can the charges be dropped upon proof? What about protection for dainty, petite bar patrons?

Also, you may ask, why is this a law? What happened to inspire such legislation? This may be an important factor in determining the answer to my last, but most important line of questioning.

Why on earth do we need a law telling people not to grab a little person and toss him or her at a target? On the other hand, it’s a free country and consent is everything. If a little person wishes to be tossed, who are we to forbid it? Does the little person have to be sober upon making the decision or can their be a level of intoxication that renders him unable to give consent?

Perhaps a hearing is in order, to determine the legality of such a moral dilemma. Or perhaps a vote, but this would spark a new controversy. Every citizen should have the right to vote, but how can we tell people with a height advantage that they have a say in whether or not we toss dwarves around in bars? Who would have the gumption to stand and say, “Yes, dwarves should be thrown for prizes. Let the games begin!”

In conclusion, morality is sometimes less a question and more a paradox. There are often no right answers, and we can only look inside ourselves for guidance. What would Jesus do? Jesus knew a very short man named Zaccheus. Zaccheus was so short, he couldn’t see Jesus in the crowd and climbed a tree. When Jesus saw him, He told him to come down and He was going to his house. People were shocked. Not because Zaccheus was short, but because he was a hated tax collector. Even back in those politically incorrect times, no one suggested they toss the little guy around for fun. They just went to his house and had a meal together.